An Open Letter to Jenny Dell


Dear Jenny (Can I call you Jenny, or do you prefer Jen? Jennifer? Ms. Dell? Mistress?),

Despite your sunny television persona as the on-field reporter for the Red Sox coverage at NESN—although maybe it is not a persona and you’re a naturally optimistic person, which is an enviable characteristic, Jenny—I’m going to guess that, coming out of spring training, you didn’t truly believe that the team would be this good at the All-Star Break. I surely didn’t, nor did most people in sports media. Sports Illustrated predicted the 2013 Red Sox to finish dead last, the veritable cellar-dwellers in the AL East.

But, Jenny, this team has forced all the baseball prognosticators to suck their thumbs by becoming the first team to win 50 games and securing first place in the highly competitive AL East.

So the big question: How are The Red Sox doing it this season? There has to be some explanation.

The mundane answer is simply that they’re playing well as a team and showing a lot of character. Guys like Jonny Gomes, Mike Napoli and Shane Victorino have done exactly what GM Ben Cherington brought them here to do: they’ve changed the climate of the clubhouse. Additionally, the young guys, like Jose Iglesias and Felix Doubront are stepping up while The Sox continue to get contributions from the gamers like Mike Carp and Daniel Nava.

The big names are also performing well. Pedroia and Papi have both had stellar seasons, and Buchholz (when he’s not hurt) has been brilliant. Lester has been spotty, but John Lackey has been excellent, although still not $16 million worth of excellence. The bullpen has been, for the most, passable—I think Uehara was in my fraternity in college—although the closer could still be a big issue moving forward, wouldn’t you agree, Jenny?

But that answer, as I said, is boring and predictable and laden with cliché. The reason I’m writing this open letter is that I have a theory about The Red Sox success this year, and I think you know what I’m talking about, Jenny.

For starters, I listen to a lot of Boston sports’ talk radio. It drives my wife crazy because every time she gets in her car after I’ve been driving it, it is tuned to a sports’ talk radio station, and cranked to ear-bleed. I like to listen to sports’ talk radio loud, like I’m at A Metallica concert. That’s weird, isn’t it, Jenny?

I digress.

Anyway, sports’ talk radio can be extremely redundant, the hosts and callers typically repeating the same takes, again and again, in four-hour blocks. But not a single person in the Boston sports’ media has suggested that the real reason the Red Sox are playing so well this year is because of you, Jenny.

You are the reason the Red Sox are playing so well!

I believe this has something to do with your proximity to the dugout. The players, somehow, are harnessing your positive energy through a type of osmosis. Think about it. You’re beautiful and energetic and you have really nice hair—all positives. I don’t think there has been a single time I’ve seen you on television when you haven’t smiled at least twice—although one time, this old guy carrying a hot dog walked in front of the camera when you were doing a fan interview, and I thought you were going to rip off his face. But feistiness can be another virtue, Jenny. To put it simply, The Red Sox are feeding off you and your positive energy.

In closing, I wanted to publically thank you for The Red Sox’ success and encourage you to keep up the exemplary work.

Yours truly,

Nate Graziano

P.S. I mentioned above that I am married, but after a cursory Google search, I discovered if you’re willing to relocate to Utah and convert to the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter-Day Saints, maybe we can go out and get a drink?