Thank you ladies and gentlemen. It’s great to be here in Boston where Patrice Bergeron lost the Frank Selke Trophy for a forward who is also great on defense and will never win the Don Sweeney Trophy for a mediocre player who also sucks as a GM. Let’s see who’s dishing it out and eating it this week.

Koji Uehara has been getting hit pretty hard in a few of his recent outings. The last time a Japanese guy was responsible for this many bombs, the U.S. entered World War II.

Koji has gotten hit so hard, he married Ray Rice. He hasn’t been hammered this bad since he downed six Mai Tais at the Kowloon on Route 1.

The Red Sox relief pitching situation is such a disaster, they are considering exhuming Irwin Allen and hiring him as bullpen coach.

Just a few things to remember about NBA draft picks. If you can shoot and are white, you are not Larry Bird. If you’re skinny and are black, you are not Kevin Durant. If you’re short and can pass, you are not Chris Paul. If you have red hair and suck at basketball and television you ARE Brian Scalabrine.

What does it actually take to be a CSNNE insider, a key to the building? Watching Scalabrine, A. Sherrod Blakely, and Kyle Draper, I’m reminded of another famous trio, but I don’t think any of these guys is smart enough to build a house made of brick. Seriously, the last scoop these dudes had was at Friendly’s.

NESN’s Guerin Austin has been soaked with several Red Sox Gatorade showers this season. The last time a gal got hit by this much fluid at Fenway, they were embalming Mrs. Yawkey … Too soon?

Tom Brady’s been making a lot of charity appearances and he seems in good spirits. I think he’s just happy to be speaking without having to put his right hand on a bible and swear to tell the truth.

Brady spends more time in freaking court than Judge Judy. His birth certificate is a friggin’ subpoena. He’s the only guy who travels with his own bailiff.

Is it just me, or do you get the feeling that Torey Lovullo reaches for a knife every time John Farrell leans over to spit out a sunflower seed?

I Love watching Lovullo stand behind Farrell with that “What a friggin’ idiot!” look on his face. Reminds me of when George Michael used to watch Andrew Ridgeley in Wham!

Farrell is something. The last time a dumb guy had such a high paying job, Scott Brown was a still a Senator. Brown famously posed for Playgirl magazine and he has a lot in common with Farrell. Brown exposed his ass in public and Farrell has been publicly exposed as an ass.

At the next Red Sox game, Clay Buchholz will give away free baseballs to fans sitting in the monster seats. Why not eliminate the middle man?

Buchholz has been sent to the bullpen. Now he knows how most of his pitches feel.

Vince Wilfork can now be seen nude on the cover of ESPN the Magazine’s Body Issue. He is also scheduled for photo shoots with Cholesterol Illustrated, Heart Attack News, and Lardo Weekly.

ESPN also asked Pablo Sandoval to pose but with all the potato chip grease on his hands, he dropped his phone and never got the call.

You’ve been a great audience. Honestly, I haven’t had this much fun since I helped Manny Ramirez delouse his dreadlocks before the ’07 World Series. See you next time, and remember, it’s just “THE ROAST.”

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John has been covering sports and media in Boston and nationally since 1987. He is an award-winning columnist for Boston Baseball Magazine, Patriots Football Weekly, New England Golf Monthly, and Methuen Life Magazine. He also create business book reviews for EBSCO Publishing and is a regular contributor to SiriusXM Radio and other national media outlets.

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