Thank you ladies and gentlemen, it’s great to be here in Boston where reports are that Pablo Sandoval has lost 20 pounds. Apparently, he slipped on some spilled tartar sauce and dropped an extra large fried clam plate at Woodman’s. Let’s see who’s dishing it out and eating it this week.
With Ortiz, Hanley Ramirez, Xander Bogaerts, Sandy Leon, Eduardo Rodriguez, and Fernando Abad, the Red Sox are loaded with Latino talent. I don’t want to say they’ve gone overboard with this, but all team vehicles are now equipped with statues of Jesus and sub woofers.
I can’t believe that The Red Sox are doing so well with a brain trust of John Farrell and Torey Lovullo. Are you kidding me, an Irishman and an Italian! So, which body odor do you prefer – whiskey or garlic? Both of them like the sauce — Farrell drinks it and Lovullo puts it on rigatoni. They both like shots too — Farrell will guzzle them, and Lovullo will take two to the head if he insults Larry Lucchino.
I don’t want to imply that Lucchino is the Red Sox’ Godfather, but four years ago, he kissed Carl Crawford on the lips and no one’s heard from him since.
Bruins’ GM Don Sweeney is really making a name for himself – as owner Charlie Jacobs’ chief caddy and ball washer. Come on Donny, disagree on SOMETHING! Why don’t you just get some feathers, strap on a beak, and sit on Jacobs’ shoulder? The other day, Sweeney tried to kiss Jacobs’ ass, but Cam Neely’s neck was in the way. Don Sweeney’s head is so far up Jacobs’ ass, that when Jacobs had a colonoscopy, they found Sweeney’s teeth. And don’t laugh Neely, because they found your tie too.
Red Sox rookie Andrew Benintendi’s hair has been compared to that of Hall of Fame pitcher and Red Sox gabber Dennis Eckersley. You know, they say Eck has the best moss in baseball, but until it slides down about 7 inches and covers his mouth, I really don’t give a crap.
Honestly, if the English language were New Orleans, Eckersley and Steve Lyons would be Hurricane Katrina. They have the depth of a puddle and the insight of gravy. Their commentary is weaker than Aaron Hernandez’s alibi.
I mean, really, have there ever been two more useless ex-jock analysts than Eckersley and Lyons? Oops, I forgot about Christian Fauria, Lou Merloni, and Brian Scalabrine. These dudes make Eck and Psycho look like Mel Allen and Red freakin’ Barber.
Congratulations to Tom Brady for finishing first in his class at the Irving Fryar School of Cutlery. Brady now hopes to get his Master’s at the Adrian Peterson Parenting Academy, and eventually, his Doctorate at the Ray Rice College of Love.
The Patriots have cut ties with Bryan Stork. Now, he can get back to his full-time job of delivering Antonio Cromartie’s babies.
Roger Goodell’s power trip is starting to piss me off. Look at him, with his gray flannel suit and his perfectly pressed shirt. Hard to believe this prissy wimp works in football. Goodell is so neat, he called FEMA when a breeze tussled his hair. When his wife gets up to pee in the middle of the night, he makes her side of the bed. He’s such a princess, that his wife complains about him leaving the toilet seat DOWN. Goodell is such a pain in the ass, that if I rubbed Preparation H on him, he would disappear.
Tim Tebow will hold a tryout for several Major League Baseball teams and he is excited to have Jesus on the field with him. Turns out it’s just some Spanish guy throwing BP.
Ryan Lochte admitted to lying about being robbed during the Rio Olympics. He also admitted that he anchored NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams, that he never, ever took steroids, that he had nothing to do with attacking Nancy Kerrigan, and that he was violated by the Duke lacrosse team.
Ex-Raiders QB Todd Marinovich was found naked with pot at a stranger’s house. In a related story, ex-Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell was found wearing a XXXL t-shirt with pancakes at a Waffle House.
Josh Norman is making waves by getting his own local TV show, threatening Odell Beckham, Jr., calling himself the best in the game, and trashing Roger Goodell. I have no problem with this, just a question – “WHO THE F–K IS JOSH NORMAN?”
You’ve been a great audience. Honestly, I haven’t had this much fun since Eugene Chung and I downed three Scorpion Bowls at the Hong Kong and then mocked a street performer at Quincy Market in ’93. See you next time, and remember, it’s just “THE ROAST.”