This week on The Bachelorette: horses, horses, and more horses.
Did I miss something about Argentina being known for horse? I googled ‘is Argentina known for horses?’ As far as I can tell, it’s not.
Our episode kicked off following a two-week hiatus with the ever wonderful Chris Harrison delivering date cards and explaining the dates for the week.
Cut to Alex whining about how he’s the only remaining contestant that hasn’t had a one-on-one date with JoJo yet. Ironically enough, Alex then proceeds to be awarded the first one-on-one.
The clue reads “I gaucho on my mind.” How clever of you, Bachelorette people.
The gaucho date begins with a terribly awkward car ride in which JoJo does a not so great job of hiding her true feelings (or lack thereof) for Alex. She was noticeably annoyed and subtly shifted away from him with any chance she got. The two end up at a horse horse where they get to spend the day being gauchos and cuddling with smelly horses. How romantic.
The gaucho date proved to be as thrilling as you could ever imagine a gaucho date to be. Somewhere between watching paint dry and viewing a black and white film with no sound. Alex also proved to be the twin of Lord Farquaad from Shrek in his gaucho garb. He channeled his inner Farquaad and built up the courage to confess his love to JoJo. Not smart. Not reciprocated. She sent him home. Did it have something to do with the fact that he is shorter than she is? The world may never know.
The second one-on-one of the night was with Jordan. Didn’t see that one coming *rolls eyes*. Jordan and JoJo (has a nice ring to it, right?) went on a vineyard date where they squashed grapes with their feet and proceeded to drink it. If I were the bachelorette I would demand that all of my dates take place in vineyards. However, there is absolutely no way I would drink feet juice. Also – everyone knows that’s not how wine is made. What you may not have known is that vineyards are not typically equipped with conveniently placed hot tubs. Wonder how that got there . . .
Deep convos ensue and Jordan reveals that he isn’t all that close to brother Aaron. As in Aaron Rodgers. The brother that Jordan spent the entire season bragging about. Funny how family works sometimes.
The 3-on-1 date got washed out due to rain, so JoJo enjoyed a rainy day in the hotel (the one at a polo club aka horses) with James Taylor, Robby and Chase. They eat junk food and play dumb games and JoJo dares Robby to run go streaking through the halls. He does. And then he apologizes to his nana. This all happens while James T. stuffs about 47 French Fries into his mouth at once. Maybe save that for after you’re official with a girl next time, James.
I just need to go on a rant here for a second because of the fact that they all ate the disgusting looking fried food but have yet to even touch the delicious, gourmet meals sitting at the table on every. single. date. Maybe I’ve missed the whole ‘ you’re not supposed to actually eat on a date thing.’ Maybe that’s the reason I haven’t been on a whole lot of dates lately?
The final one-on-one of the week goes to Luke. Where do the two go? You guessed it, another horse ranch. Luke’s a regular ol’ cowboy and impresses JoJo with all of his horse knowledge.
By the end of the date JoJo has already made up her mind and feels no need for a cocktail party before the rose ceremony. The men are brought to the rose ceremony in none other than a horse drawn carriage. Only the best for these eligible men. Ultimately it’s James Taylor who gets sent home. He cries. She cries. Damn, I almost cried. It may have been the classiest breakup in bachelorette history on a guys end. Luckily, James was most likely only there for a shot at a record deal anyway. Hope to hear ya on the radio soon, James.
Next week is hometown dates so be sure to follow along with us on twitter @DirtyWaterMedia for hilarious commentary.