First off, let me just start by saying this – if I were JoJo I would be pissed. I mean really, I think she may have the worst group of bachelors in all of bachelor history. I’m pretty sure that way back in 2003 when the show first started the bachelors were actually eligible. Maybe it’s a reflection of the times and declining standards? Sorry but when I think of “eligible” ‘erectile dysfunction specialist,’ ‘hipster,’ and ‘former competitive swimmer’ aren’t really the first things that come to mind. And did I miss something because last time I checked ‘hipster’ wasn’t an occupation.
Moving on. JoJo, if I were you I would ignore everyone except Derek for the rest of the season and just spend all my time staring into his gorgeous blue eyes. Is it just me or is he a spitting image of Jim Halpert from ‘The Office’? It’s def not just me. He IS Jim Halpert (aka John Krasinski) and I’m in love. I had a major crush on Jim Halpert so maybe I’m biased but I’m so #TeamDerek. Derek, if you’re reading this and not with JoJo (which I hope you are) call me. John Krasinski, you can call me too.
Now to the good stuff. And by good stuff I mean all the ridiculousness that makes us love the show so much. The episode started off with an introduction to the villain, d-bag, jerk of the season, Chad. Chad, aka “meathead to the max,” is seriously the total definition of a meathead. I mean the guy made a protein shake analogy. Who does that? Meatheads that’s who. Chad secured his d-bag status by doing one of the most d-bagish things I’ve ever seen. He literally took a bunch of protein powder containers and put them in a suitcase. He then chains said suitcase to his waist and does pull ups. Really? Pure entertainment people.
The first group date of the season was a firefighting challenge. JoJo, sporting a sexy firefighters uniform, skillfully showed us her abilities to put out a fake flaming limo. Who wins the firefighting challenge? You guessed it. Grant the firefighter. Shocker. During this challenge Luke the runner-up established himself as the jealous stage-5 clinger. A little bit of advice, Luke, girls don’t like stage-5 clingers. Grant gets the first bit of alone time with JoJo later that night but ultimately it’s little Wells who gets the first group-date rose after almost passing out and then wooing JoJo. Haven’t we seen the fake passing out thing before? How original.
Next up, the first solo-date of the season goes to the most eligible bachelor of the group, Derek. Did I mention I think he’s hot? The two go on a “choices” date which cheesily enough I though was kinda cute. Derek proves to be kinda nerdy in an cute sorta way and gets a rose. Yay for Derek and John Krasinski.
While the first two dates are underway all of the poor guys left back at the bachelor mansion spend their time singing songs about JoJo. Except for Chad who’s drinking protein shakes of course. Guys of the bachelor, don’t quit your weird ‘day-jobs,’ because you don’t have a future in singing. Except for you James Taylor. You actually can sing. Which leads me to two ironic points. Point #1, it’s pretty ironic that your name is James Taylor and you’re a singer-songwriter. Point #2, kinda suspicious that you’re here on the bachelor singing away. Are you here for JoJo or to get a record deal? Gotcha.
On to group-date number two. Chad, it’s your time to shine my dude. The guys on the group date head on over to ESPN where ‘Sport’s Nation’ hosts Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley host ‘Bachelor Nation.’ The hosts have the guys compete in a variety of tasks to prove their love for JoJo. In typical Chad fashion he calls all the guys out for being fake and makes a decent point – that the guys just met her, so how could they possible already love her? He claims he’s the only one being honest with her, which I hate to admit is actually kinda true. He later goes on to grab her ass during his fake proposal and call her “naggy.” Guys, rule #1 when dealing with girls – never use the word “nag” in any way, shape, or form.
Time for the power rankings from Max and Marcellus. Third place goes to our short little man, Alex who may or may not be shorter than JoJo. Dealbreaker? You decide. Second place goes to our very own meathead, Chad. The judges and JoJo appreciated his honesty. How sweet. James Taylor takes first place. Can he trade for that record deal? And Jordan, our washed up former pro-quarterback doesn’t even rank at his own game. Did he mention his brother is Aaron Rodgers?
Cocktail party time. Chad shows JoJo his softer side by telling her about his puppy, and oh yeah, his mom just died. Then he makes out with her and suddnely has “strong feelings.” Likely story. Chad later picks a fight with Alex the Marine. #BadIdea. Then, he makes bachelor history by being the first person EVER to eat on camera. It has always bothered me that no one ever eats the food on dates on this show. Like, ever. Sorry but if there was a filet mignon or chocolate covered strawberries sitting in front of me, you best believe I’d be stuffing my face. Boys disappoint, chocolate never does.
One thing I’m still confused about? Evan. The guys a total creeper who looks like a mix between Steve Buscemi and someone straight out of a horror movie.
That’s it for this week. I’ll just be here dreaming of Derek and watching reruns of ‘The Office.’
Peace. Love. And Protein Shakes.