Thank you ladies and gentlemen. It’s great to be here in Boston after Peyton Manning took a cheap shot at Tom Brady on “The Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe.” I guess those PED’s gave him an oversized view of his sense of humor. So, let’s see if Neck Fusion Boy can eat it as well as dish it out with this special all-Peyton Manning edition of “THE ROAST.”
Now that the NFL is done measuring the air pressure in Tom Brady’s footballs, they have taken on the monumental task of measuring which is bigger: Peyton Manning’s forehead or John Elway’s teeth. Elway’s teeth have been bought out by Chiclets; while Manning has signed on to play the lead role in the remake of “Mask.”
Manning is actually diving head-long into the film business. He will be showing movies on his forehead every Friday at dusk.
Thanks to Manning’s forehead, Jerry Jones’ 60-yard Jumbotron at AT&T Stadium is now only the second biggest thing in the NFL. They tried to hang Manning from the rafters, but his ego fell and broke Tony Romo’s back.
Seriously, with that giant head, Manning is one ugly dude. That fusion surgery he had was actually to remove the bolts on either side of his neck.
It’s fitting that Manning played for the Colts and Broncos. His head should have a harness attached to it. His voice sounds like Mr. Ed, and he is a total horse’s ass. Ask him how many touchdowns he threw and he’ll start slamming his left hoof, I mean foot, against the floor.
And what’s the deal with Archie and Olivia Manning churning out all these quarterbacks? If someone had spayed or neutered these sex-crazed bastards in the early ‘70s, Brady would have at least four more rings!
It’s amazing that Peyton was so talented given that his father Archie was such a pitiful NFL quarterback. Archie Manning was so bad that when he phoned home to Mississippi, the call was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.
Archie Manning did for the quarterbacking profession what Richard Speck did for nursing.
In Super Bowl XLVII against the Seahawks, Manning took a pounding against the Seattle defense. The last time something in the NFL got hit that hard, it called Adrian Peterson Daddy.
In retirement, Manning may decide to go back to school and take some classes. Of course, his binder will only have two rings.
Manning choked so many times that if he were John Bonham, the playoffs would be his own vomit.
And how about all these commercials that Peyton Manning does? If this guy were any more of a cash whore, he would be married to Donald Trump.
Seriously, Peyton Manning and Melania Trump have a lot in common. They both have sore necks – Peyton from linemen blowing blocking assignments and Melania, well, just from blowing.
Of course, Peyton Manning became an Indiana sports icon. And speaking of famous Indiana sports personalities, let’s play a little Johnny Carson “Carnac.” (Kids, look it up!) Answer: Bobby Knight, Peyton Manning, and Jim Irsay. Question: Name a Hoosier, a loser, and a boozer.
Jim Irsay is a total booze hound and coke head. No wonder why the Colts won just one Super Bowl with Manning. Their quarterback had no balls and their owner was doing 8-balls.
Look at Peyton Manning with that goofy face, dumb smile, and “Aw shucks” personality. He is the whitest NFL player since the pre-murder O.J.
Seriously, if Manning were any whiter, Jim Irsay would snort him.
You’ve been a great audience. Honestly, I haven’t had this much fun since Tedy Bruschi and I duct-taped Manning to a goal post in 2003 and made him yell, “My daddy sucks!” until he openly wept. See you next time, and remember, it’s just “THE ROAST.”