Thank you ladies and gentlemen. It’s great to be here in Boston where Jackie Bradley, Jr. threw out Chase Headley at third and Pablo Sandoval threw out his back picking up a wayward M&M. Let’s see who’s dishing it out and eating it this week.

In response to a reporter’s recent question about who might start at quarterback for the Patriots in Week 5, Bill Belichick said, “Jesus Christ.” So, Brady it is!

After that bonehead question, it was clear that there actually WAS a bigger ass at Foxboro Stadium than Terrance Knighton’s.

Can you imagine Belichick’s postgame presser if Jesus Christ did start for New England? “Well, he did some good things, the loaves and fishes trick, making the blind see. Still needs to work on some aspects of his game – he’s ascending, but don’t expect any miracles.”

I can only guess that if Jesus were at QB, Josh McDaniels might avoid cross patterns.

Question: if Jesus’s mom started at QB for New England, what would they call a last second long TD pass?

Jimmy Garoppolo is trying to do everything just like Brady, but it’s not working. Instead of marrying a long-legged Brazilian supermodel, he got a lap dance from a bowlegged Brazilian-waxed stripper at Club Fantasies.

Garoppolo is so obsessed with being Tom Brady that he bought a GOAT – which apparently keeps him company when that stripper takes a night off.

Do you get the feeling that Danny Ainge has become one of those scruffy guys with the cardboard signs at the entrance to Home Depot? Will trade this suck-ass dude from Bosnia for a superstar. Will trade for a schmuck with an apostrophe in his name who’ll be playing for the Paris YMCA skins team this winter.

Heck, I watched all of the Celtics’ NBA Summer League games. Basically, Ainge has a bunch of wiry dudes named Jamal who look like Coolidge, but play like Goldstein.

The Red Sox have commissioned an artist to paint a portrait of David Ortiz. It is actually paint by number. 7 through 96 is his head.

Seriously, have you ever seen a dude with a melon like that? Last time I saw something that big wearing a Red Sox hat, it was driving “Soup” Campbell from the bullpen to the mound in ‘77.

The Red Sox actually had to cancel David Ortiz Bobblehead Night because the dolls looked racially insensitive. Racially insensitive? Did you see these horrible things? They did everything but sing “Mammy” and tap dance with Shirley Temple.

Alex Rodriguez announced his retirement from baseball this week, and the Yankees gave him a champagne toast. Fittingly, they injected it into his ass.

The New York National Guard chimed in with a 21-syringe salute, and the first 1000 fans in attendance for his final game will receive someone else’s urine.

After his announcement, A-Rod partied with Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, and Barry Bonds. They went to 21 in New York, but after they walked in, it ballooned to 78.

A-Rod finished just 4 home runs short of 700 and just 3 lies short of Rick Pitino’s all-time record.

Boston fans were thrilled that the NFL Hall of Fame Game had to be postponed – anything to make Roger Goodell look bad. This piece of dirt falls just below pond scum, bacteria, and Trump’s barber on the food chain.

Goodell is pure evil. He had a physical last week and x-rays of his heart showed a photo of Satan lying on a couch, eating popcorn, and giving the doctor the finger.

Boston Globe scribe Dan Shaughnessy was recently inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, so let’s give him his due, “THE ROAST” style. What a great writer, I haven’t seen literary talent like this since Sesame Street went off the air.

Here are a few tips, Mr. Hall of Famer. Punctuation is not what happens when a punk graduates. Grammar is not the person who sleeps with Grandpa, and a sentence is not what Aaron Hernandez got in court. Shaughnessy is as good a writer as Stevie Wonder would be a night watchman. Congrats Dan!

You’ve been a great audience. Honestly, I haven’t had this much fun since I downed a case of Schlitz with Pie McKenzie, then held his head while he puked at The Scotch & Sirloin in ‘73. See you next time, and remember, it’s just “THE ROAST.”