Thank you ladies and gentlemen. It’s great to be here in Boston where Tom Brady has officially changed the title on his business cards from Quarterback to Defendant. Let’s see who is dishing it out and eating it this week.

(Image via Maguire Art Design @MADink401)

In 2009, Pablo Sandoval hit a career high 25 home runs. This, year he hopes to hit 50 – in waist size.

Sandoval is on the DL and has spent a lot of time in the hospital. They took a blood test and diagnosed him with thick blood. Turns out they had actually punctured a leftover ketchup packet from Wendy’s.

How do you even give Sandoval a blood test? Where the hell is the vein? The last blood test he took, ranch dressing came out. Actually, that’s a lie. Ranch dressing goes on a salad. And the last time Sandoval ate salad was when he tripped fielding a bunt and accidentally swallowed a piece of infield grass.

Pablo has been in the hospital so much, he now has his own wing. Of course it’s made of chicken and dripping in teriyaki sauce.

Sandoval isn’t the only Boston athlete who could slim down a bit. How about Jared Sullinger of the Celtics? Have you seen this guy’s ass? If it were any bigger, it would be Clay Buchholz’s ERA.

Buchholz is a disaster. Those crazy, James Carville eyes, that Shaggy from Scooby Doo beard, and that Sling Blade haircut. One more rough outing and this hillbilly will be doing a lube job on the General Lee.

You’ve heard of Duck Dynasty? Buchholz is starring in “Duck, Another Freaking Line Drive is Coming Towards Your Head!”

John Henry addresses the media in Fort Myers.
John Henry addresses the media in Fort Myers.

Speaking of strange looking dudes, have you seen Red Sox owner John Henry lately? This guy looks like the kid from “Deliverance” with a platinum card. He looks sick. When this guy goes for a checkup, he doesn’t see a doctor, just some guy from J.S. Waterman’s with a tape measure.

When Henry orders a coffee, they don’t ask if he wants cream, they ask if he wants cremation.

Henry is paler than a golf tournament in Wellesley. I saw an X-Ray of his heart and it looked like Southie during the ’74 busing riots. His EKG looks like the friggin’ Boston skyline. I think the latest edition to the Roush-Fenway racing team is a hearse.

And how about the Bruins’ brain trust: Cam Neely, Don Sweeney, and Claude Julien. Coming soon to the Boston Garden: The Three Stooges on Ice! What I like about them is that they are frugal. I mean, one brain between the 3 of them – that’s efficiency! Look at them, trying to figure which of them has the one brain. Can we get the Sweathogs a calculator or some flash cards?

Neely has made the worst personnel decisions since Chuck Woolery left “Wheel of Fortune” for “Love Connection.” This guy has dumped more talent than John Mayer. Well, at least he’ll be able to watch Seguin, Boychuk, and Hamilton come to the Garden next year when he’s working the door at The Harp.

There were rumors that Vince Wilfork might consider returning to the Patriots. Did you see big Vince in his overalls the other day? He looked like the illegitimate love child of Haystacks Calhoun and John Coffey from “The Green Mile.”

Wilfork is huge. He’s the only thing that big in Foxboro that Robert Kraft didn’t build. Kraft is, however, working on a deal to condo out Wilfork’s ass. We have Patriot Place and soon, Wilfork’s Rump. Kraft’s nemesis Ted Wells knows all about condo-ing out an ass – that’s how he got his gig with the NFL.

Roger Goodell got it wrong, again.
Roger Goodell.

And speaking of the League, I hear that they are going to dedicate Commissioner Roger Goodell’s official portrait at the NFL offices in New York. The picture is actually paint by number. Three through 47 is his ego.

Goodell has been running around so much, I’m surprised he doesn’t suffer from exhaustion. Imagine if Goodell ended up in the same hospital as Sandoval? One would be diagnosed with exhaustion, the other with extra cheese on that.

You know, a lot of people at the NFL offices say that Goodell has become a lot nicer since winning his appeal against Tom Brady. Now, when he passes you in the hallway, he’ll just ignore you, grunt and spit in your face.

You’ve been a great audience. Honestly, I haven’t had this much fun since Aaron Hernandez’s Crack House Warming Party in 2012. See you next week, and remember, it’s just “THE ROAST.”